Self Reliance

What was he doing?
What could some guy possibly have to say to him that might help? How was... he was loosing his touch.
He didn't NEED anyone.. asides Ndale but... but he was an exception. Other than that he was supposed to be fully self reliable. He didn't need a counselor that was for sure.
Yes here he was.
Walking.
Towards the counselors office.

He sighed as he reached the door and knocked, while still mentally berating himself for being weak.
This was stupid. Stupid stupid.

An old and well-worn playing card was placed on top of a neat pile, a couple of similar stacks laying down next to it and and a few more in a row below it. Richard stared at the cards for a moment, then huffed and messed them up with the palm of his hand. So many years, and he still occasionally lost at Solitaire.

He leaned back in his chair and contemplated playing a different game when the sound of footsteps reached him. Splendid - a distraction, and most likely one he hadn't met yet. Or at least one that has not yet visited his office. Often, he could tell a lot about the person by the way they walked; in this case, the steps were light, hesitant, and completely ambiguous.

Sweeping the cards on the desk up into a heap, he smiled to himself, then looked at the door.

"Please, do come in."

((AMG I'm SOOO sorry Dx!!! I like.. posted this then the next day forgot it even existed and only just remembered then and i was like OH CRAP >>;;))

Shae swallowed back his already dwindling pride and turned the handle, slowly pushing the door forward.
It had to be noted also that while he had met Richard on a previous occasion he had, at the time, had his hair up in a high ponytail, off his face and been wearing a diamond collar and fancy flowing dress. Opposed to the loose black jeans and dark grey t-shirt he was wearing at the moment he looked very different. He had cut his hair shorter since then as well.

But, anyway... He opened the door and took a couple of steps in, eyes flicking around the room and a passively neutral expression that almost bordered on the kind of bored resentful look that came from not wanting to be somewhere. Except well hidden.
At least he could still do that much.

((Hah, no worries x3 I've been pretty busy, anyway))

The room Shae had entered seemed to be filled with furniture that had no common theme, being a mix of various styles and trends that still - somehow - worked together. The walls were adorned with a few paintings, mostly hunting scenes, a framed diploma of some sort, and a broken sword, amongst several other apparently random objects. To the left stood a comfortable-looking couch, and behind it in the corner lurked a huge mounted bear with glistening glass eyes.

Richard himself was sitting behind a large, carved desk, wearing his usual, unassuming, brownish-gray suit.

Somebody less observant could have not recognized the girl-boy--person, with how different they now looked; but Richard's area of expertise were people, and if there was the smallest chance he would meet somebody again, he made a point of remembering every single detail about them. He was confident he would never mistake one person for another - even if they were identical twins, he would find something to tell them apart. Even if they were able to switch their gender.

"Hello... Shae, wasn't it?" he said as he picked up the cards and tapped them against the desk into a neat stack. "It is a pleasure to see you again. How do you do?"

His tone was perfectly polite and friendly. He wouldn't allow any unfortunate past experiences affect his attitude towards a student - and Shae's obvious lack of enthusiasm didn't matter either.

Shae looked back directly at the man sitting behind the desk as he was addressed. Ah that's right- they had met before hadn't they. He recalled the incident hazily- it was a bit hard to remember that night as he had died at one point. But he remembered enough. Had he been anyone else he might have blushed.
He didn't though because he wasn't anyone else and he only blushed when one particular person was involved. And that person also happened to be his main reason for being here.

Instead he walked forward expression remaining passive.
"Evening sir, I'm reasonably well and yourself.." his usual soft tone voiced the stupid formalities and small talk that he would hope to pass over quickly. He had no patience for them right now. Of course that also didn't show on his neutral expression, he remained straight faced as ever.

He began idly shuffling the deck. Good, Shae didn't seem particularly flustered, or at least was hiding it well. The conversation would be made much more difficult if she - he? - did bear a grudge of some sort or still felt embarrassed. And there was no reason to, really. What happened was slightly less than classy, but... such is life.

"Please," he said, shaking his head with a smile. "I'm Richard. And I'm perfectly fine, thank you very much." He gestured towards the chair on the other side of the desk.

Now, regardless of whether Shae was bothered by the memory of their first meeting or not, surely he wouldn't come visit just like that to try and avoid possible awkwardness. He... yes, he, had to have a good reason to come here.
And Richard couldn't wait to find out all about it.

"Now, how may I help you?"

Good, small talk was finished.
He could get to what was actually important.. now if only he knew how to word it.

He'd been running it over in his head the whole way here but he was still having trouble finding the right words to explain. How to explain that he was scared that any moment he might suddenly lose it and hurt someone- except that, that didn't matter if it was anyone else- but he was scared that the someone would be Ndale. Again.

He took the seat, flicking some hair out of his face as he carefully considered how to begin.
"... I'm... having..." he paused, thinking. "I'm having... relationship issues.. i suppose."
Yeah... sure, why not. It was... something along those lines anyway- and at least that was a place to start.

Richard nodded thoughtfully, thumbing through the deck. For a second he entertained the idea of offering Shae to have his fortune told with the old cards instead of providing counseling. Silly, silly. But it would be amusing to be sure.

He watched him for a moment, waiting for some sort of elaboration. Ah, would it be normal teenager troubles this time? Knowing this place, he doubted it. Nothing was straightforward here - it was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because he could see something new; a curse because, in those cases, he didn't always know what was the right course of action.

Either way, the least he could do was listen. God knows that's all some needed.

"Just to be clear, what sort of relationship are we talking here?"
He was pretty sure Shae had meant a romantic one, but he wanted to avoid some bad-sitcom-style misunderstanding where the student was talking about his mother instead.

His immediate thoughts lead him to take the question as 'how far has your relationship gone.' which of course made him blush before realizing it was probably a bit more general than that.
Much more general than that. He sighed, he might as well just explain.

"Well.. it's.. it's my boyfriend and- and it's not him, he's... fine." he stopped himself from saying something like 'amazing' and looking like a childish idiot. "No it's just.. I'm.. not, the most.. stable of people at the best of times and... I'm worried I'm going to hurt him.." there was a pause before he looked away and reluctantly added. "..again."

Normally, Richard tried to be friendly with the students, breaking the ice so they'll feel more comfortable opening up. But Shae seemed to prefer a strictly professional approach, or at least felt it was the right one to take; and Richard was perfectly content with that. It made things easier.

He nodded. His relentless curiosity (or thirst for gossip, depending on how you look at it), worthy of a middle-aged housewife, wanted him to pry and ask who this boyfriend was - but for now, his identity didn't matter, and not knowing it would certainly help him remain neutral.

"It speaks well of you to be concerned, and seek help about it." he said softly. "What sort of... abuse has occurred? Emotional, physical, or...?"
The boy didn't seem physically strong, but who knew? Looks can be deceiving, and one doesn't really need to be that strong to be able to harm somebody. Especially somebody who is not retaliating... like a loved one.

Shae automatically flinched ever so slightly at the word 'abuse.' That made it sound... even worse. As hard as that was to do. He ignored it though.
How to answer that question...

"Well... I..." he stopped and bit his lip. He wasn't even sure. "I know physical and... yeah.." he couldn't even bring himself to say it. "physical abuse.. I'm not sure what it did to him emotionally- he seems the same as ever but I don't know.."

He suddenly felt a relapse of his desire to be somewhere-anywhere-but-here. And for a second he even felt like he might just get up and leave. Why did he need to be here? What could this guy do? How would this help him- why did he have to even think about all this in the first place? Just leave it. Leave it. Leave.
But he forced himself to remain rooted to his chair, swallowing down the urge to flee.

The small twitch did not go unnoticed, but Richard still didn't consider using that word a mistake. It was necessary.
He gave him a serious look as he needlessly picked up the deck and tapped it even again.

"Yes..." he said. "Shae. I need you to understand one thing... this isn't necessarily going to be pleasant. It might end up being painful, even. Try to imagine a thorn or a splinter under your skin. Removing it and sanitizing the wound is going to sting, but if we leave it, it will get infected and the consequences will be much more severe." He intertwined his fingers, looking Shae straight in the eye. "And, I might add, I don't have the power to remove the splinter for you. I may hand you the tweezers and keep a gauze nearby, but in the end only you can solve your problem."

He paused, then cleared his throat and looked at Shae with sympathy.
"Now, why do you think it has happened?"

He listened to the elaborate metaphor with something of a neutral expression.
Funny notion comparing this 'problem' to pulling out a splinter.
He'd pulled out lots of splinters in his time.
And none of them had given him anywhere near as much trouble.
Sure, he'd ended up with one so deep once he'd dug into his flesh to get it out- but that didn't really even come close to painful in comparison. At the time he'd been more fascinated and slightly annoyed than anything. It was ironic really.

"I understand this is going to be painful. It already is painful- it's painful just knowing that I hurt him." he kept his tone deliberately matter of fact, the less emotion he showed the easier it was to speak. The last thing he needed was to break down into incoherent rambling. "-and knowing that it hurts knowing I hurt him confuses my senses and makes it even worse. I am very aware of that."
He swallowed lightly.

"And it's happened because.." he stopped. Why.. excactly had it happened? Why? There were several reasons but none of them alone stood out. "It's complicated I guess.. I.. It's in my nature to... hurt people. It's something I do, in fact it's what I do. And I don't tend to... care. So this relationship is... weird, for me. It's not something that's ever happened before and as such I.. make mistakes and lose control."
He really was fighting to maintain his neutral voice.

He nodded. Good. He didn't exactly think Shae had expected a picnic, but he had to make sure they were on the same page.

Richard paused for a moment, thinking over Shae's words. Despite his own curiosity, he had to remember that his goal was not to understand - his goal was to help Shae understand. He might be a counselor for his own reasons but by God, he was going to do it properly.

Still. He could hardly help if he didn't understand at all, and so, some questions needed to be asked to clear things up for himself.

"You say that hurting people is what you do." he said slowly. "Is that because of who you are as a person, or what you are as a species?"
He spoke calmly, trying to sound reassuring... but he figured in the long run, it wouldn't save Shae's facade from crumbling. It was simply too close-to-home a subject to talk about with a straight face, as impressive as the student seemed to be at it. And the next question was especially sensitive...

"Why do you suppose he is your exception?"

The only way you could tell how hard Shae was trying to keep his face straight, was the way it seemed to become more and more neutral with each passing second. He could do this. He could remain perfectly calm. Outwardly at least.

“I don’t… I don’t really know much at all about what I am, just.. bits and pieces of things that might be true.. But I assume it’s racial.” He shrugged uncomfortably. “Mainly because I don’t understand it.” He had never thought about that before. That possibility. That he just killed people because it was him- not because it was his species. But… “But most of the information I have seen on Will o Wisps… suggests that yes, it is a racial thing.”

He paused to swallow back his emotions, the corner of his lip twitching slightly as he fought oh so hard to do so. “I…. I don’t know. He..” he bit his lip now. He had some hazy theories but.. “Maybe because he.. he saw past what I allow most people to see.” And not just past. But very, VERY far past.

He looked on with sympathy, though tried not to show too much of it, lest it be interpreted as pity. It wasn't easy being both understanding and not condescending in any way.

Will o' Wisp... Hm. He remembered Rein telling him that Shae was some kind of an undead as well, and it made sense; a ghostly light leading people to their demise in the middle of a murky swamp... could have a malicious mind behind it. Funny, really. It made him wonder if the wisps he had seen personally ages ago, traveling at night through some godforsaken land, were all natural occurrences.
So many questions... but there was no reason not to ask them one at a time.

Richard was paying Shae his full attention, choosing every word carefully.
"Let's assume that it is part of your species' nature, then." he said. "Then... Do you suppose letting him see past what you usually show is not? And if so, is it against your nature, or against the nature of your kind?"

He paused once more. Considering the question carefully. Once again he had always assumed the latter to be true... but did he really know? Then again there was little he really knew anyway.

"Well... again I assumed it was.. against the nature of my kind. I've never met another wisp, and I've never known of one so... again i cannot know for certain. But I had assumed it was against the nature of my kind." And he had his reasons to believe that as well.
How could it be just him if he didn't know why. He had always done that, since before he could remember and who knew how long before that.

"I don't know anything about my species that's why I came here. I am searching for those answers myself and I'm afraid... as such I don't yet have them. I don't know the line between myself and my kind, for all I know we could all be excactly the same, or I could be completely unique. But... the little that I do I know makes it easier to assume most of my own nature is because of what I am."

"A sound assumption, I suppose."
Still - it seemed suspiciously easy to blame one's own tendencies on their species instead, especially if what the species was actually like was a mystery. But Shae was smart, and he seemed to be genuine in his search for understanding. He could figure that bit out without Richard saying it.

He cleared his throat.
"Not to oversimplify, but basically, your problem is a conflict between this... let's call it an instinct that drives you to hurt people, and the fact that you and your boyfriend are close and therefore hurting him hurts you. Correct?"
He leaned his elbows on the desk, intertwined his fingers and rested his chin on top of them.
"Well, then, it seems to me like the most vital question here is... What is more important to you, Shae?"

Ahh, the well-precedented dilemma of the hunter developing feelings for the hunted. How glad he was that he never had to face it himself. How entirely inconvenient would that be...

He blinked, as though not comprehending. Which meant more to him? What was that meant to mean? Whether he cared more about killing or about Ndale? He'd given up killing for the moment, but how did that have to be related.

"Instinct is a good word for it yes but.. I.. I don't see how.. What do you mean which is more important- I don't... that's not.." he struggled to find words. Most people often struggle with words but anyone who knew Shae would be able to tell he was reaching further levels of distress when he started being unable to formulate proper fluid sentences. Language was something he prided himself on and one of his core abilities. "I care about Ndale more than.. I.." somehow even though he'd admitted it to Ndale it still got caught in his throat when he tried to say it. He cared about Ndale more than anything. "It's not like I MEAN to hurt him, I don't choose to I mean.... I.. I do but.. I.. I'm not myself, I get... I'm not in control when that happens it's not a matter of choice."

Richard sighed. "I'm just saying that because the conflict between the two is the cause of your distress, one or the other needs to go."

He would do his best to help Shae resolve his problem, whether the boy decided to try and overcome his instinct or get rid of the feelings for his boyfriend. From Richard's point of view, it didn't matter what Shae chose. Either would work. Perhaps it wasn't the most orthodox approach, or the most moral one - but every case needed to be treated on an individual basis, and if in the end Shae would be happier following his nature rather than maintaining a fulfilling relationship, Richard wouldn't be one to judge him.

Still. The fact that Shae was so bothered was adorable. Besides, the boyfriend was, in all likelihood, another student and therefore Richard did have to keep his wellbeing in mind as well; so in the end, he was glad that Shae cared more about his partner than his... malevolent urges.

"To help you further, I will need to have a better understanding of what exactly happens when you lose control. Would you please describe it in as much detail as you feel comfortable sharing?"

Shae shifted uncomfortably. It was back there again. Not something he wanted to discuss.
He looked away, wondering where to begin with this.
"Well..... usually I.. I lash out in a vindictive and.... sadistic way, towards him. I become... obsessed, with dominating him or.. punishing him for something..." he swallowed and continued to look determinedly anywhere but Richards, as though avoiding eye contact would help him avoid these truths. "Like.. when he did that stupid valentines day date raffle... and used me as one of his hostages. Afterwards I... I hurt him. Not in an angry or mindless way but..."
He didn't want to go into that. He didn't want to admit or even remember it. He had never been more ashamed of his actions than he had been after that event, and he wasn't excactly any less ashamed now.

He drew in a breath through his teeth, but thankfully managed to do so without making a sound. Well, well... Sure, he had seen and heard of enough depravity to not be shocked much, if at all; but this was different - here, he was supposed to help.

Well, well.

This was beginning to sound severe enough for him to want to know the boyfriend's identity, but springing the question right now would seem rather... sudden. Perhaps he would find out later, and not from Shae. Poor kid. He really looked guilty, wriggling around in his chair like that. Regardless of whether Richard managed to help or not, letting it all out would surely feel cathartic.

He nodded. "I see. Then could you describe what exactly do you feel during those... occurrences? Does it seem like another entity is taking over, or is it just yourself momentarily losing hold of the reins?"

Shae's discomfort was quite plain now.
He didn't like talking about or even thinking about these things.
At all.
At ALL.

He looked around. Over there, over here- ANYWHERE, any distraction.
But the question gnawed at him like an incessant, teething puppy. And he had to give an answer.
"Well.. well I... ugh... It's not like something else takes over no. It's me, I'm the one who loses it."
He bit his lip.

It was comical, almost, how distressed Shae was over this. But no, Richard could not allow himself to be too entertained. It was a serious matter.

But it was just so adorable.

He leaned back in his chair slightly. "Shae, I must say I admire your bravery in this. Your boyfriend would surely be proud of you if he knew of what you're going through for him. You must persist so that you both can try and be happy."

Was a happy ending even possible? He wasn't sure. When it was needed, though, he could easily fake optimism well enough to be reassuring. Oh well. If a peaceful resolution couldn't be achieved, there were always other ways...

"Can you anticipate the episodes coming, or is it rather a sudden, unpredictable flick of a switch?"

That sort of broke Shae out of it a bit, broke him out with a loud scoff of laughter. Right, proud.
He honestly wasn't sure HOW Ndale might react but.. pride? No he didn't think that pride would be on the list.
"HAH.. oh don't worry, I have no intention of quitting." his usual, casually confident demeanor flickered to the surface. "And it's usually triggered by something. Like him doing something like selling me like he did on valentines day. Or he's being frustrating on purpose and it just transcends... I can't predict it but.. it doesn't just happen suddenly.. it doesn't do that usually anyway."